Reflections
on Divorce & Remarriage
Copyright © May 10, 2002, Tim
Arensmeier
The wind was
tropical, soft. The night had just
fallen and the sounds of the waves on
As a member
of the 101st, I had been discharged from the army 90 days early, and
about 2½ years later was again drafted because I had not served a full 24 month
tour of duty my first time! I
volunteered to serve another 3 months, as I saw that as the only moral thing to
do, but that didn’t seem to satisfy the draft board. Two years or . . . I accepted the inevitable in spite of
protestations to the contrary.
During that
second tour of military service, I met and married my wife, Jan. For over 41 years now, I’ve been very
thankful to the Lord for my second Draft.
We lived in
As a result
of their friendship and Ron’s help with many of the practical aspects of faith
in Jesus Christ, we invested the next 14 years of our lives with The
Navigators. Great years, during which we
regularly found ourselves involved with couples. We started the first couples bible study in
The Navigators’ history, and didn’t even know it. It just happened, as we were involved at the
local chapel program, and increasingly found ourselves answering questions of
young military people; some single, some married.
One of the
questions which seemed to frequently surface was:
DIVORCE – Under what circumstances
may a Christian experience divorce with the freedom to remarry?
This question has some interesting history.
At the time
of Jesus Christ’s earthly ministry, this question surfaced, again and
again. We only have about three specific
instances cited in the synoptic gospels, in which the question was asked: Matthew 5,
19 and Mark 10.
However, given that we only have around 40 days of Christ’s three and a
half year public ministry, it does not seem inconsistent that the question
surfaced more frequently.
While I was
an undergrad at the University of Oregon, there were statistics that reflected
that in the general population around 25% of marriages, were ending in
divorce. However, couples who were
actively involved in the life of their church experienced about a 1% divorce
rate.
Today, the
divorce rate is higher among churched couples than among the general population. Admittedly, this doesn’t take into account
the couples who never bother to marry in the first place.
But, let’s
look at the question as framed by the men who asked Christ.
Under what circumstances may we
divorce our wives?
Another way
it was framed by the Pharisees was, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife
for any and every reason?”
Our Savior
challenged them, as divorce was rampant in our Savior’s day, especially among
the Pharisees. For a man to look his
wife in the eye, and say, “I divorce
you. I divorce you. I divorce you,” was all that it took to
end a marriage as far as the Pharisees were concerned. From there they could proceed to marry
another woman and divorce her at a whim.
So, their question to Jesus, who was baffling them with his wisdom and
insights, was of note because they instinctively knew something was wrong with
their system.
Christ’s
initial answer was that they shouldn’t divorce at all.
In a blatant
effort of self-defense, they appealed to Moses, suggesting that he had
“[commanded] that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her
away.” Deuteronomy
24:1,2
Jesus
replied, “Moses permitted
you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.” (Emphasis mine.)
At this
point, I will make reference to the King James Version, as it actually adheres
to the original more accurately than most contemporary translations.
Christ
continues his clarification by saying the following:
And
I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife except it be for fornication,
and shall marry another, committeth adultery:
and whoso marrieth her which is put away does commit adultery. Matthew 19:9 KJV
Of specific
note here are the words adultery and
fornication.
With all
due respect it is at this point that scholarship seems to be lacking, as most
ministers, priests and other religious leaders seem to take both the Roman
Catholic position and that of Noah Webster.
For
starters the historic Roman Catholic position is that divorce is just never to
be a consideration. It was only while we
were missionaries in Germany in the 60’s that the Roman Church even began to
consider that there may be circumstances under which a divorce could be granted.
Most
pastors when asked about adultery and fornication give the dictionary
definition of the terms which essentially go as follows:
Adultery is what happens when two people
have sexual intercourse involving at least one person who is married, but not
to the person with whom that liaison is taking place. It could also be two married people, but not
married to the person with whom they are having sex.
Implicit is
that a married person is somehow involved in an extramarital relationship.
Fornication, as commonly understood, is sexual
intercourse between two people who are both single at the time.
In other
words, adults (at least one of whom is married to someone else) who have
extramarital intimacy commit adultery, but two single kids in high school,
junior hi or college are merely
fornicating.
I would
like to disenchant you of both common definitions.
Citing
Jesus Christ’s statement in the Sermon on the Mount, “You
have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a
woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart,” Matthew
Fornication, however, has a more specific
definition, contrary to the common understanding. For instance, were the common understanding
to be accurate, then our Savior made a nonsense statement when he said: “But I say unto you,
That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication,
causeth her to commit adultery . . .” Matthew 19
How can a married person be single? Or, as some have suggested, he meant that after marriage, if a husband discovers that as a single person his wife had committed fornication, then he may divorce her. I believe it begs further clarification.
From the
original, the word which Christ employed was porneia, (porneia) which had such a clear definition that absolutely
everybody on the street, hearing Christ speak, knew precisely what he meant.
While it
could include adultery, fornication, when Christ used the term, it was
immediately and clearly understood by everybody as meaning “perversion(s)
of marital intimacies.” It comes
from the Greek word, porneia (porneia), from which, today, we derive such words as pornography, pronos,
etc. Everybody immediately knew that it
included the following:
1. Prostitution
– the sale, or purchase, of one’s body for gain, male or female.
2. Whoredom –
sleeping around, not for any gain, or service in exchange, but just the fun of
it; again, male or female.
3. Bestiality –
sex with animals – again, by either male or female
4. Homosexuality
– male or female, and everybody knew it was wrong, sin, perverse, and flaunted
it until the first big “Coming Out” parade of homosexuals in San Francisco in
1969
5. Pedophilia –
sex with children, to include nigh of kin.
You’re not suppose to sleep with you sister, brother, cousin, mother,
etc.
6. Rape – as I
can’t figure out how a man can determine that forcing himself on his own wife
is a portrayal of Christ loving his Bride (remember the Cross!)
7. Physical Abuse
– again, ricocheting someone down the stairs, or hitting them, seems a clear
violation of love, and
8. Emotional Abuse – Caution
here. In over 40 years of
marriage to Jan, have I ever said an unkind word to her? But of course! Am I proud of that? Certainly not! However, have I been emotional abusive? Jan and
our girls would say No. I’ve seen
emotional abuse. I’ve not been the
recipient of it. I know what it means
for one person to assiduously work at making another human being feel that
they’re on the level of whale dung in the universe. I’ve seen a person literally work at the
dehumanization of another human being.
That’s emotional abuse.
(For an almost exhaustive study on porneia (porneia ), I would recommend volume VI, Theological
Dictionary of the New Testament, edited by Gerhard Kittel.)
Having defined that term, let me posit this question for your
meditation:
When our Savior said, “I do not permit divorce, except on the grounds of fornication,”
Was he not from
a purely grammatical perspective, saying:
“I permit divorce, but only on the grounds of
fornication.”?
Do you see that as fair, as a
grammatical point of reference? I do.
The point
is this: God has some wonderful things
to say about marriage. For starters, a
marriage between a believer in Jesus Christ and a non-believer is forbidden,
because it can’t work. Now, I Corinthians 7 makes reference to it, but
implicit within is the idea that the believing person married to the
non-believing, is the result of two non-believers having married as non-believers, and subsequently one
becomes a believer in (follower of) Jesus Christ. In that context, the apostle Paul is telling the believer not to divorce the
non-believer, as the non-believer has a better chance of coming to faith in
Christ as a result of being married to the now-believing spouse.
However, in
that same context, the apostle Paul is saying that if the non-believing spouse
wants out, now that they are married to a recently converted believer, let them
go. One of the principle insights in
that passage is that “We are called to a life of peace.” Interestingly, Jan and I have encountered
several cases like this, where the husband (or wife) has come to faith in Christ
subsequent to his wife (or her husband) turning to Christ after they had
been married for some time, because the wife (or husband) truly lived out the faith and
continued loving her husband (his wife), and did it
even better now that she (he) was truly loving Christ, and her
husband (his wife).
The italics
above are reflective of our own experience that more often than not it is the
husband coming to faith in Christ, based on the consistency of the wife, now a
new believer in Christ.
There is
one additional definition of terms which is necessary to round out what I
believe is God’s perspective on this entire subject. That word is divorce.
It could be
stated more accurately, “Under what circumstances may a believing individual
experience divorce at all?”
You see, the very word divorce means a total severing of a
previous relationship, such that the previous relationship may virtually be
viewed as never having existed. It was
said that a slave who obtained his/her freedom was “divorced” from his/her
master. That now free person is so free
as to be viewed as having never been a slave.
(See The New International Dictionary of New Testament
Theology, Volume I, edited by Colin Brown.)
Implicit in
this discussion is that if a follower of Christ may experience divorce at
all, they are, by definition, free to remarry, but only in Christ.
II Corinthians 6:14 – 18, clearly forbids
a believer in Jesus Christ from marrying a non-believer. That is merely one application of the
passage. Business partnerships which tie
believers and their shared profits with non-believers and their desired
investments, open up another whole area of application of this principle.
Husbands love your wives –
Another
aspect of this entire subject deals with who initiates divorce in the first place.
In
a letter from a girl friend of ours, asking questions along these lines, she
said the following (names changed to protect . . . ):
I'm doing
okay. I've got a question that's been on my mind since I've been taking
Religion courses through a local bible college. I've been dating this man
named Henry now for over a year and we are talking about getting married.
Nothing is set in stone, but could be a possibility in the future. He is
not a believer. He grew up a Catholic and
that has sort of turned him off towards the Lord.
(My
comments in blue.)
Interesting
that you should state it that way.
Number one, if he’s not a believer in Jesus Christ, you’re going to
generate another disaster for yourself, as God forbids us from being unequally yoked together
with unbelievers. [II Corinthians 6:14 – 18] Hummmm. My question would be why play with fire if
you don’t plan to be burned?
Or,
stated another way, I can see why he would be turned off toward the church, but
Christ? Try talking with him about Jesus
Christ. I’ve frequently found that many
people are truly turned off toward the church and Christianity, but when you or
I speak freely with them about Jesus Christ, they are quite interested in
talking about Him. I’m turned off toward
the church and Christianity, but I love following Jesus. And, when I’m doing that because of what all
He did for me in time and space, I even find that I can get along with others
who are also followers of the Savior.
After all, that’s what He directed us to do, isn’t it? “Follow me,” appears again and again throughout the gospels
(Matthew, Mark, Luke ‘n John).
He is very
supportive of my choice and my beliefs and asks me questions about the Bible,
about what church was about and what I learned in class. I pray for him
daily that the Lord will open his eyes and bring him to Himself. My
question has to do with divorce. He has been divorced twice.
Red lights!
Red lights!
Red lights!
His first divorce
occurred because he and his wife at the time felt they got married to soon and
mutually decided to end the marriage.
His
wife didn’t decide that!
His second wife
cheated on him.
I’m
not buying it.
And,
here’s the reason, Sis. When you or I
approach life with a “biblical world view,” meaning, we’re attempting to see life from and within the grid of how God sees it,
as revealed in His word, it helps.
In Ephesians 5, 21ff,
it is clearly laid out that a husband should “love [his] wife as Christ loved His Bride (the Church) and gave Himself up for
her.”
Now,
think about that for even a small minute, and answer me this question: Why, having been involved in marriage and
family counseling for 36 years (plus), have I never yet met the woman
who is trying to get away from a man who is working at loving her in any way,
shape, or form, reflective of his own appreciation of how much Christ loved His
Bride, and gave Himself up (on the cross of Calvary) for her?
The
sexes are equal in value before God, Karen, but, wildly different in how
they’re wired together by God.
Women
are the lovers. Men merely think they are lovers. Men will pursue women – and here, we must
break and talk reality – right into bed, and quit. It used to be that men would pursue a woman
to marriage, then all too often, quit.
It used to be that people (even non-believers) thought (because of
societal pressure, for sure) that being married was the right and proper
environment for getting naked and into bed with each other.
You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore, sung by Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand, became and remains a very
special song – to women, as they know the truth of it. A man will pursue a woman, until he gets what
he wants from her, i.e., sex. After
that, especially if they’ve not bothered to get married, he starts looking otherwhere. The accomplishment has happened. The “hunter” has conquered.
When
we get the sequence out of God’s order, men loose interest and start looking
somewhere else.
If
we wait, and don’t get into bed before marriage, or go into other sexual areas
reserved for the marriage, and here a former President has popularized oral sex
as not being sex, to the place where junior high school kids are doing it all
over the place today . . . gasp! . . . as I was saying, if we wait, because we
are believers in and followers of Jesus Christ, then God enters into the
equation and a couple may enjoy great intimacy at all levels, and the husband
will continue pursuing and the wife will continue responding. That’s the Godly order as set forth in
Ephesians 5.
Women
don’t have affairs, if they know they’re loved and valued, cherished and
appreciated by their husbands. Women,
not to excuse adultery, but to explain how it happens, will not be available to
men on the prowl at the club, work or church, if they’re truly loved at home by
their husbands.
(Parenthetically,
it may be true that a woman who brings much “baggage” to the marriage
relationship, i.e., sexual abuse in her childhood, multiple previous marriages,
etc., could at a subconscious level work at torpedoing her own marriage. After all, God says that “A foolish woman destroys her own home with her own hands.”
Proverbs 14:1 Admitting that God makes provision for such a
woman existing, I merely repeat that I have not met one. . . yet.)
Do you see what I’m saying? For a woman to have been divorced, I’m tender towards her, as she was divorced by an idiot who was selfish and non-loving. For a man who has been divorced, it’s a pretty different story. He didn’t love his wife! Wonderfully, I know men who have qualified, and subsequently come to faith in Christ, or grown up in Him, and have seen their responsibility for their previous marriage dying. There’s hope for that kind of a man.
Women
don’t initiate divorce, men do. I
know. You know women who have filed the
paperwork, and I accept that, but . . . they didn’t initiate it! The men did by abusing them either
physically, sexually, emotionally, financially, religiously, intellectually or
in any of a myriad of ways. Neglect
is a form of abuse. Being a workaholic
frequently results in a wife feeling neglected . . . because she is!
Men
are the instigators, or predators, hunters or doers. Women are the responders. Equal before God, but different.
Do
you remember what I told your brother at his wedding? “You’re the human doing. She’s the human being.” I recall telling Ernie that were he, your dad
and I to go buffalo hunting, and Ernie killed three a day, your dad one a day,
and I killed one every three days, we’d all know who the best hunter was, as we
[men] tend to automatically think in a vertical pecking order.
Women,
however, historically don’t think vertically.
When my wife had four small children, and another wife had only one, the
mother of the one didn’t respect Jan with her four. She felt sorry for Jan! After all, she had three more noses and
diapers to worry about!
There’s
significant difference between men and women, while being totally equal in
value before God.
This is
why, in Christ’s time, the men asked
the question as to what circumstances were permitted for them to divorce their
wives. To say nothing of the fact that
women didn’t have the option to even file for divorce.
In brief summation, Christ did grant an occasion when a believer could initiate
divorce from a person claiming to be a believer: when that person had committed fornication in
the marriage. God is calling his people
to be united in marriage to others who share belief in Jesus Christ such that
they demonstrate their love towards God by demonstrating a godly love towards
their spouse. Should a woman have a
husband who essentially throws her and her daughters out of the house because
he is committed to drugs, illicit sex and drunkenness, she should go, and
terminate the relationship. Remember, “We are called to a life of peace.”
Even the comments by the apostle Paul in I Corinthians 7, reflect a tenderness
towards the non-believing, provided the non-believing spouse is content to live
at peace with their newly converted believing spouse.
While I
will acknowledge that this approach is at variance from the popularly accepted
position, I also am aware of many women who have been abused unnecessarily by
pastors and other religious leaders because they were told to return to an
abusive husband because “God hates divorce.” True, God hates divorce, especially by the
religious leaders, to whom that comment was specifically aimed by God through
the prophet Malachi. As pastors and
religious leaders divorce, with impunity, why do you suppose the sheep of God’s
pasture learn to think that divorce is no big deal?
A final
comment relating to “submission:”
submission is not synonymous with subservience. Submission is a voluntary giving of oneself
for the benefit of another person. I
volunteer submission. If I do something
because your hands are around my throat, literally or figuratively, that’s
subservience. Christ is the eternally
submissive second Person of the triune God, voluntarily offering himself to God
the Father. While the eternal, co-equal
of the Father, Christ, God-the-Son, serves the Father. What a picture for marriage: two equal partners in the gift of Life I Peter 3:7, voluntarily giving themselves in
submission to each other. It takes the
assistance of God the Spirit to pull that off, but Praise God! He is available
to assist anyone committed to obeying the admonition in Ephesians 5:21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Soli Deo Gloria!
Rev. Tim
Arensmeier is the pastor of the Sonoma Valley
Community Church (RCA),
Web
posted: May 10, 2002
Updated: July 19, 2004
Home
| About Us | Kids & Grandkids | Written by us | Write us | 911 | Devotional & Meditative | Anecdotal Info | Links
Web master