The Diamond of Forgiveness
Copyright © May 2003, by Timothy J. Arensmeier
While
attempting to help reconcile a builder and a church whose building had gone
significantly over budget, I was contacted by the daughter of one of the principles
in the conflict. What she told me
shocked me. She related that one of the
elders in her church had raped her! I
immediately asked what had been done about it.
The incident had been three months prior, and she had told her
pastor. Her pastor had told her not to
report it to the police as “Christians aren’t
supposed to sue each other, or go to court with each other. We’ll handle it within the church.”
Having
worked in the field of conflict resolution for over 25 years, and having been
privileged to assist in not only seeing some conflicts between believers in
Jesus Christ resolved out of court, but actually reconciled, I’ve been Mr.
Reconciler to many people. However, in
this matter, I told the young lady to appear at the district attorney’s office
first thing next morning.
There
was an arrest that day. There was a
trial within a very few months, as it developed that the same individual had
fondled or inappropriately touched many ladies in the same church. The man was sentenced, and as a part of that
process, the lady was able to confront the individual in the judge’s
chamber. All in all, it seemed a closed
issue, even to the lady.
However,
some weeks after the trial, I was again in that state, assisting in the
conclusion of the construction matter, when she again called my hotel, leaving
a message that she and her husband wanted to see me again. We met and after some casual conversation she
said, “I’m having a problem with forgiveness.”
Not
being one to want to waste time, I immediately responded, “I can understand
that. Who wouldn’t, given what you
experienced.” I was wrong.
She
said that the man who had raped her had been forgiven by her during the
trial. Her problem was that she couldn’t
forgive her pastor!
Remember
the story in the gospels of Peter walking on the water? He actually did walk on the water, as Jesus
had invited him to do just that. Peter’s
only problem developed when a large wave was heading his way, and rather than
keeping his eyes on Jesus, he looked at it with what I’d guess was
understandable terror. Of course, he
immediately started sinking and cried out, “Help! Lord!” Of course Jesus
came to his rescue and subsequently chided him about his lack of faith. That’s always bothered me a bit, as it would
seem that Christ could have said something like, “Hey, Pete. You did good there
for a while, but when you quit looking to me is where you blew it.” Or something like
that.
The
point is that I’d respectfully submit that Peter prayed the shortest prayer in
the bible with those two words. I’ve
frequently found myself praying that prayer...silently...when in the middle of
a conversation with a friend who is looking for some answers or assistance from
me.
This
was one of those times. I knew that as a
couple they had truly struggled with this matter, and they were looking to me
for wisdom. I silently prayed that
“Help! Lord!” prayer. It is of interest
to me that God seems to regularly answer that prayer quite quickly.
I
wouldn’t have thought of it, but I believe God gave me a thought which I
unfolded to her. I recalled some of our
previous conversations and said, “Let me tell you what you’ve told me about
your pastor:
1.
‘he’s young,
2.
he is a good
preacher,
3.
he is naïve,
4.
he is a wonderful
administrator,
5.
he sometimes does something that is really dumb.’”
She
looked at me quizzically, and asked, “What are you saying?”
I
said, “You’re defending your pastor.” I
proceeded to remind them both that the blood of Jesus Christ does absolutely nothing
about youth, naivety, dumbness or even stupidity. It cleanses us from sin!
She
couldn’t forgive because she wasn’t calling sin, sin. Until she could see that what her pastor had
done against her was sin, there was no way she could forgive. Seeing the sin of rape had been easy,
therefore she could forgive, but she didn’t really have the process in mind as
to how
to forgive, in general.
I
suggested that we look at Ephesians 4:32.
In the New International Version it reads,
Be kind and compassionate to one another,
forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
In
the King James, it is,
And be ye kind one to another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath
forgiven you.
The
first thing that needs to be understood is that in order to forgive a person,
any person, who has wronged us, we must see that what they have done is truly
sin before God, and of course, that sin deserves the penalty of death. I know.
That’s not politically correct
to think like that, but until we do think like that we’ll merely develop some
fairly health bitterness towards that individual.
Between
the two translations cited, and a few others, there is a phrase which rings of
some pretty tangible stuff regarding forgiveness. For starters, we’re instructed to do
something just like God does it.
Or, in the same manner that God does it. When we place ourselves in God’s room, most
of the time He doesn’t like it. We’re
not supposed to condemn anyone, for only God does that. This is why Jesus elevated the commandments
above our capacity to accomplish them.
In Matthew 5:21-22, we hear Jesus saying,
You have heard that it was said to the
people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to
judgment.' But I tell you that anyone
who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in
danger of the fire of hell.
Whew! But, later on, in Matthew 5:27-28, He says:
You have heard that it was said, “Do not
commit adultery.” But I tell you that
anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her
in his heart.
Amazingly
hard words! Who can measure up to those standards? The obvious answer is: No
one! That’s why Christ came to this
earth to not only die for us, but to live for us first. His life on this earth has as much salvific
significance for us as does His death on the cross of
Then,
to finish out the picture, Christ, who had lived a perfect life for us, which
we offer up to the Father as our Righteousness of faith, along with knowing
that the Father accepts that, He accepts Christ’s death as dying for us in
satisfaction of His just demands for our inability to live life perfectly which
Christ did for us.
All
of this is necessary to understand and value if we’re going to proceed to
understand the next facet in this Diamond of Forgiveness.
In
order to forgive anyone for anything, as
God in Christ forgives, it’s imperative that we appreciate how God the Father
forgives us to this moment in time. How
does God actually forgive us existentially?
Meaning, in this exact instant in time. Remember, the above couple of examples of how
we need forgiveness in an ongoing necessity?
Our thoughts are not always, only, ever honoring to our Savior, are
they? We don’t necessarily get involved
in the Seven Deadly Sins (well . . . sloth is one of them, isn’t it?). We tend to overlook the fact that gossip is a
sin in God’s mind. Envy qualifies. Lust counts.
Arrogance fits. Ever see a friend
drive up in a new car and have a little touch of covetousness?
Do
you get it? We need God’s forgiveness
not only on a daily basis, but normally several times a day. Would you believe, hour?
If I’m
to forgive that other person like God forgives me, I’d better
understand and have an appreciation of how
He forgives to this moment! Right?
I’ve
asked several people in the intervening years, “How do you forgive someone who
has sinned against you?” To this day,
I’ve never heard anyone articulate a transferable mechanism of how to forgive.
I
submit that to this moment in time, when any believer sins, be that egregiously
in commission, or absent mindedly by omission, God still accepts Christ’s death
on the cross of
So .
. . I trust you’re ahead of me, but I’ve learned that those things that needn't
be said normally should have been
said.
It
appears to me that in order to forgive another person for wrong(s) against
me. I must see that the behavior was
sin, therefore, the person should die, but rather than pulling the trigger
myself, and being slightly sophisticated, I don’t want to do that as I’d have
to go to jail for a few years, so . . .
it’s at this point bitterness replaces justice.
Rather,
I see that sin has been committed and death ought to follow, but by faith in
Christ, and in obedience to His command, through the apostle Paul, I will, like God does, accept Christ’s death as
being sufficient to pay the penalty deserved by the person who has wronged me.
And,
trust me! It works! Just yesterday on the phone, a friend told me
after we’d talked about this for just a while, “I feel as though chains of weight
are being lifted from my shoulders, right now!”
She
had told me of her problem. I had asked
about forgiving. She had said, “I’ve asked God to take my unforgiving spirit away.” I’d responded, “He
won’t do that. He expects you to do that.” And, I believe that when we wake up to how God forgives us to this moment in
time; by applying the blood of Christ shed on Calvary’s hill nearly 2,000 years
ago to the matter, and accepting that His death atoned for this sin, too, we
actually are forgiving as God does!
When
we can grasp that, it truly liberates us.
When
we forgive others, as God in Christ,
or for Christ’s sake, forgives us, we’re released from the burden we otherwise
carry as a result of not forgiving.
Another
facet of this Diamond of Forgiveness includes how we respond to that person
whom we’ve finally forgiven. Do we write
them a letter and apprise them that we’ve forgiven them? Absolutely not! They may or may not be ready to hear
such. They may not even know that we
have been hurt or harmed by them.
No. We love them. Remember how
Or do you show contempt for the riches of
his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads
you toward repentance?
What
is it about God’s kindness that leads us to repentance? His forgiving love for us,
in spite of our sin.
I
ask people from time to time to tell me when their forgiveness was
established in the mind of God. Just
yesterday, I heard:
When I became a believer.
Nice
answer and a blessed reality to that person at that time in their life. But, a wrong
answer.
Two thousand years ago, when Christ died
for me.
Another
nice answer, and another good answer . . . you guessed
it! Wrong.
So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord,
or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by
the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life--not because of
anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was
given us in Christ Jesus before the
beginning of time... II Tim. 1:8-9
Point? Your forgiveness and mine were established in
the mind of God from before the foundations of the world. Does that mean that nobody will go to hell? No.
But our forgiveness was established in God’s mind before He, through Christ, created the world.
Now,
it’s true that I don’t enjoy it until after I repent of sin, and believe in
Christ. It’s true that my existential
appreciation of it is only mine as I proceed to follow Christ and work at being
obedient to His commands, as an extension of my thanks to Him for saving my
soul.
My
point is that forgiveness from God, is what attracts
us to Him through Christ. We hear of His
love and that His war against us was settled at the cross of Christ. (Again, while that historic event took place
2000 years ago, it was settled in the mind of God before anything was created!)
In
other words, if you forgive another person, just like God forgives you, by accepting Christ’s death in their
place, you’re released from the burden, and can proceed to behave lovingly
towards that person.
More
than once, I’ve listened as a Christian, through clinched teeth has told me,
“I’ll never forgive that person!” Frightening. I’ve
learned to look them straight in the eyes and ask, “Just what is it about
Christ’s death on the cross of
You
don’t need to stand in front of their steamroller again. But, you’ll not be carrying an unforgiving
spirit towards them.
A first
cousin facet in this Diamond of Forgiveness will sound like a bit of heresy,
but try to follow me.
For
around 20 plus years, I’ve taught people in small groups and some not so small
to never, ever, ever, ever . . . ask anyone for forgiveness.
Another,
Whew!
Here’s
why. We are not taught to ask God for
forgiveness. In 1 John 1:9, we’re
instructed,
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and
just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
If you
say, but in the Lord’s Prayer, we’re told to ask God for forgiveness, I’d
suggest that the exemplary prayer is Christ setting out some guidelines for
prayer, among other things, helping us to not overstep our relationship with
God by appealing to Him for anything we’re unwilling to extend to others. That comes out in the next verse, where
Christ said,
For if you forgive men when they sin against
you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew
6:14
The
real challenge as I see it is that we have a fundamentally difficult time
confessing sin. There’s a long history
of this problem. If you recall a fellow
named Adam, when confronted by God with his sin responded with, “The woman you gave me . . .” And, here you must be
very careful. Adam was not blaming Eve. Adam was blaming God!
Our
biggest problem in getting right with anybody, including God, is being willing
to acknowledge that I have sinned and done that which
was evil in your sight, Lord. I
believe this is one reason God said of David, before and after the sin with
Bathsheba, et al., “He is a man after my own heart.” When David was ultimately confronted with the
bony finger of the bold prophet, and told “You are the
man!” David acknowledged it, and among other interesting things said, in
Psalm 51:4
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
Now,
I’d just guess that some of the families of the men
whom David had killed in an effort to cover his . . . sin, might have argued
with that statement, but David was right!
He had sinned against God. That
others had been damaged, hurt, wronged, left fatherless, widowed, is true. When we sin against God, it frequently
affects many others. But, did you catch
the essence of David’s heart? He was
freely acknowledging his sin before God.
He didn’t blame Bathsheba (after all she was apparently quite
beautiful). He didn’t blame his parents
for a stingy allowance. He didn’t even
blame the government! He owned his sin.
Proverbs
28:13, says:
He who conceals his
sins does not prosper,
but
whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
Were
I to wake up and realize that I’d sinned against God, and simultaneously
damaged you, I submit that there is a right way for me
to approach you . . . and a wrong way.
The
wrong way first: Mary, I’m sorry that I hurt you by not doing what I’d promised to do for
you. I know that it cost you not getting
that wonderful job. Will you forgive me?
Careful now. That’s what we’ve all been taught, most of
our lives in the church. But, look at
what I’ve just done to Mary. For
starters she’s reeling under the realization that I’ve really messed up her
life. Now, to add to that, I’m forcing
her into telling me that she forgives me!
I
mean, doesn’t she have to do that? After
all, if she’s a fellow follower of Jesus Christ, and I know it, I know that
she’s obligated to forgive me and she knows that, too. And, further, she knows that she’s a sorry
excuse for a Christian if she doesn’t forgive me, on the spot! So, she says through her tears, “I forgive you,” because that’s the right and proper
thing for her to do. Right? Right!
However,
she may have just added to other matters the sin of lying to me because I
forced her to.
The
right way is to say, Mary, I’m sorry that I hurt you
by not doing what I’d promised to do for you.
I know that it cost you not getting that wonderful job.
Difference? I’ve not added those four fatal words, Will you forgive me?
I submit that when we add those four words, we’re
committing moral blackmail!
It’s
pretty easy to look a person in the eye, tell them you’re sorry, and ask for
forgiveness. I’ve done it hundreds of
times. It wasn’t until I started
studying this many faceted subject of forgiveness that I realized what I was
doing.
It
started shortly after Jan and I got married (forty years ago this month!) We had had words the night before, and while
we have always attempted to not let the sun go down on our wrath (Ephesians
While
having my devotions the next morning, I felt convicted about what I’d said to
Jan and decided to go and apologize.
You’re ahead of me, I know, but this was a good learning experience for
me. I went downstairs and said, “Honey, I know that what I said to you last night hurt you,
and I really didn’t mean for it to. Will
you forgive me?”
A
less than enthusiastic, “Yes.” And, I returned to my devotions, feeling very
spiritual.
I
honestly don’t recall where in the bible I was reading at the time, but God,
through that still small voice very graciously, but quite firmly tilted my
heart and I realized that I hadn’t made anything any better. In fact, by saying that I didn’t mean to hurt
Jan, I’d rather backhandedly blamed her for being hurt! Gasp!
I
walked back downstairs after praying and telling God that I was truly sorry for
what had happened. I walked into our
kitchen where Jan was feeding our first daughter, Shireen, and said, “Honey, I know that what I said to you last night hurt you .
. . And, here the look she gave
me was something of a mix between perplexity (we weren’t even aware of the
existence of Alzheimer’s Disease yet), but one of those looks, mixed with a
certain tiny anger at what kind of a nut was I, seemed to also be there. Without missing a beat, I continued, “and when I said what I said, I’m truly sorry to admit it
but I did in fact mean to hurt you. I
was feeling insecure and just plain lashed out.
I’m sorry.”
At
that point, Jan almost ran into my arms, for she knew that I was actually
telling her the truth. I had actually
confessed my sin. I didn’t add the Will you forgive me, and she could process it better
as I wasn’t blaming her, nor forcing her into a box.
If,
after openly acknowledging your sin to someone, or the fact that you know that
you’ve hurt them, as a byproduct of your sin against God . . . if you feel the
need to say anything more, you could ask, “Is there
a way I could try to fix it?
Normally, it doesn’t seem to be necessary.
Interestingly,
another facet of forgiveness is that when we learn just how much God is
desirous of a relationship of intimacy with us, and that He has done everything
necessary to establish, maintain and develop that relationship, we find that we
can more quickly and actually more easily confess our sin to God. And, knowing what it means to be restored to
fellowship with Him, we may more easily and more quickly confess our sin to our
friend(s), whom we’ve damaged.
God
has forgiven us, In Christ, from before the foundations of the world.
We
are directed to forgive others in the
same fashion, manner or procedural way that God the Father forgives
us in and through Christ.
We
will frequently need to acknowledge to others that we have let them down due to
our own selfishness. In so doing, we may acknowledge our sin against them with
greater integrity, when we really have told our heavenly Father of our sin
against Him, and have by faith accepted His forgiveness. After all, faith is
believing that God will be faithful in doing everything He has promised
in His word. Right?
Well,
recall 1 John 1:9,
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and
just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
God’s
promise is that if we confess (own, acknowledge, wrap words around our sin
without attempting to share the blame, or blame anyone else) our sins, He’ll
forgive them. We know that He does this
by still accepting the substitutionary death on the cross of His Son Jesus
Christ, so . . . justice is fulfilled. A
death is accepted (Christ’s, not ours) and we are restored to a fellowship with
God the Father through His Son Jesus Christ.
Forgiveness
is a wonderfully rich truth which has so many facets that we have merely moved
the diamond slowly and seen but a few of them.
I trust that the little glimmers of light which may have refracted
around in your heart and mind will engender in you a desire to make the study
of this wonderful doctrine a lifetime pursuit.
If I
may be of any encouragement, or if you wish to take exception, please don’t
hesitate to write to Tim Arensmeier.
-
Soli Deo Gloria
____________
Rev. Arensmeier is currently pastor
of the
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